Open Thread: Black Women
I haven’t done this before, but there’s been a huge series of articles bemoaning the fate of the single black woman. Last night Nightline tackled the matter. I haven’t seen the tape yet but judging from the twitter traffic last night there’s some dissention on how useful the segment was. I even got a PHONE CALL from someone who needed a reality check moment–a, “um, I’m a black woman and may be single but I don’t feel desperate or unloved…what’s going on with the media” kind of reality check. That’s unusual.
Here’s a text piece with video clips from ABC’s website.
But I don’t want to make this all about Nightline. This black-women-are-too-career-functional-and-not-relationship-functual meme has been circulating in the media over the past couple months. The question the person who called me last night asked was why? Why is this such a hot topic now? What’s the investment in asking black women to be accountable for the low black marriage count, and not black men? Or structural discrimination in the jobs market that makes marriage a more economically fraught matter for whites than blacks?
Or, flip the question. The highest divorce rate is in the Bible Belt. Why aren’t white Southern Christian marriages being problematized? Too hard to hit that target; easier to see a black one?
Hit me up.
I think it’s a hot topic right now f9r a few reasons.
One, black women eat it up. Anytime a mainstream source writes about these issues, we log on and read/comments in droves. The Nightline, WaPo pieces will see hundreds, if not thousands, of comments. So in short, it sells
Two, I think that in a sense black women are rising. Michelle Obama has been the most visible example but her emergence has also shed spotlight on black women who are doing well. I think this is the media’s way of telling a “counter story.” I dont want to sound like a conspiracy theorist but when it comes to black people in this country, when has the media been known to report on what’s going well? The “sad lonely career woman” is the “welfare queen” of the 2000s. Black women, like so many “otherized” groups are only allowed one grand media narrative and piling on the stories about one thing over and over again is the way to make that narrative stick.
(and sent to me via email)
Black Men Need Not Apply for the Job of Husband
It seems to be the question of the year; why can’t successful, single black women find a good man? The answer most experts give is that African American women are sending out the message that black men need not apply for the job of husband. But, what’s not often considered is how many women have a “good” man and just haven’t chosen to tie the knot yet or how many African American women buy the hype that there aren’t any quality men available so they’ve stopped looking, put up walls to prevent a man from getting close or spend their lives surrounded by people who block their ability to meet someone.
The statistics and questions also don’t consider that black women, like all women, have free will; with that may come the desire to remain single in order to pursue their dreams, better understand themselves, define the parameters of relationships they might have or simple a need to be independent from the restrictions that come along with monogamy and marriage.
It’s been argued that the standards of African American women are too high; that since they are increasingly earning college degrees, buying homes and starting businesses, they want or demand a man with the same thereby limiting their choices or emasculating any man who doesn’t measure up. It’s not often considered that any man, a real man looking for a partnership—which is what a marriage is supposed to be—should welcome a woman with means, intellect, and ability to assist the households rather than be threatened by it; that a “good” partner should want his other “half” to live up to her potential so that she is a healthy, happy and whole with and without him.
Of course, so called experts so that women should lower their standards, even settle for someone who doesn’t meet their ideal just so they aren’t alone. I wonder if these same people consider this logic or fear of ending up alone, as we are when we enter the world, is one of the leading causes behind divorce and broken homes.
I look at the rise of singles in this county in my book I Didn’t Work This Hard Just to Get Married: Successful, Single Black Women Speak Out. What I found is that while most people want someone to share their life with being about to fulfill your own dreams as an individual has gives women the opportunity get married for the right reasons and therefore have a healthier, better functioning, long lasting union.
Successful, single black women take center stage in my book I Didn’t Work This Hard Just to Get Married. Through lively and revealing interviews with women from various walks of life, it explores the challenges and issues affecting single black women, forging ahead in today’s society by defying expectations. They candidly discuss aging without a man and reevaluate dating, single homeownership, career, and children. These women speak directly to the female experience, addressing unique challenges such as income discrepancies between genders, the high rate of male incarceration, and the Baby Momma Syndrome. The women discuss the false expectations they face from men, from families, and from friends. Written in the best tradition of girlfriend talking to girlfriend, the book delivers tales of lessons learned, hard times and good times, told by women who found ways to achieve their dreams by defying convention. Their conclusion: Singlehood, whether temporary or permanent, and though often challenging, is a fulfilling state.
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Website: http:/www.mcbeamon.com
Thank you for publishing your review. We need more people blogging and talking about the ridiculousness of this move to blame Black women for the results of structural oppression.
On another note, the fact that Black women are supposed to only date men, and that those men must be Black, is another issue that needs to be problematized. It’s discussed as if Black women and men “belong” to one another and treats race as a biological rather than a social construction. How can the same media outlets who want people to think America is Post-Racial because we have a Black president, be the ones who seek the maintenance of these boundaries around racialized gender categories?
We got to do more better.
I’m dating a man in the military. I think a lot of black women overlook men in the military, but there are A LOT of eligible black men in the military. I think if black women stopped acting like they need a man with six figures in the corporate world or whatever, then they’d see they have more options.
This debate also looks at only half of the “problem.” It’s not as though black men have marriage rates on par with white men either. So maybe the question is what’s wrong with black men that they aren’t married? Or what makes marriage so undesirable for large swaths of black people?
You’ll notice in this piece I don’t blame black men, white men, black women, women in general. It’s not about blame: it’s that the facts on the sad/lonely black woman aren’t even right. We’re holding our own, and we have to be responsible for our own happiness. Period. No matter our cirumstances. There are a lot of people who have huge responsibilities; or illnesses; or money problems and still lead a life of progress and contentment. In the U.S., you often see status coming with brattiness. Black women are uniquely gifted; and we have unique challenges; and we can be happy with ourselves. All else will follow.
i don’t mean to sound like i am blaming black men. but i do think we’re examining one-half of the problem when we frame the question in terms of black women. we can’t, after all, marry ourselves. and again, it assumes that singlehood is problematic.
No, I didn’t mean you were harshing on black men. But I think this is all like the Battle Royale in Invisible Man, where the point is to keep black men and women feuding and not looking at our options. Agreed, the debate also assumes married = happy and happy = married. As we all know, that isn’t necessarily the case either. I’m just saying keep your eyes on the prize: a good life of your choosing. A lot of people want to start false battles for their own reasons.